Hercule Phallus and Early Viagra
by Thick Mic
Viagra; latin-ish for re-enforce, derived from
the Greek veristrong
Viagra also means metasplint; meta from the Greek hidden and splint
from the English/American splint.
Yes, you all heard of it, but where did it come from?
This is a question that is often asked of me at the bridge club.
Originally, Viagra was a broad term to describe
all forms of re-enforcement, but mainly used to provide some support
to the tent poles of nomads. High winds such as the Mistral could
snap the main support beam of a dwelling in two, and with impunity.
The tent and its contents could easily be found scattered around
the continent and was as much of an eyesore than it was a pointless
loss of life.
Anyway, a clever little man familiar with the
intricacies of tent structures, decided to take a masterful stance
and arranged various money tails (post rigor mortis ) lengthways
along a tent pole, and bound the lot together with shoelaces.
That year, it was the only erect tent north of the equator and
he was even instrumental in the construction of the Golden Gate
Bridge and the Eiffel Tower. Another project of some fame was
implementing wind resilience strategies, to the arm of the Statue
of Liberty.
Hercule Phallus and his team of self-promoting goat herders were
up late that year.
The Industrial Revolution brought with it, monies
to expand any monkey business, and Hercule was given a limitless
credit card account. With this money along with some personal
consultation fees, he invented, tested and patented “the
splint”. Still used today, splints are a God-send to many
women bereft of marital support and its implications.
With the advent of plastics, Hercule could see a strong future
in more discreet methods of his trade. He invented a product not
unlike “car fillers”, which could be applied sparingly
or liberally to anything, and after activation by a catalyst,
would stiffen instantly.
Gone were the days of unsightly concrete beams, monkey tails,
support wires and post-coital sutures!
He deduced that if he could somehow shift the
strengthening factors from outside an object, to within it, he
could retire to Florida.
He manipulated a few governments into supplying more grant aid
and more personnel. Personnel, he impressed on them, would supply
better feedback and more accurate results to his experiments than
any form of stick, bridge or arm.
Like all revolutionary research, there was some collateral damage,
necessary amputations, and disgruntled unions. “The needs
of the many, outweigh the needs of the few” (loose Turkish
translation) he quipped as he made a complete mess of one mans
ears which were previously floppy by nature. “Ears, like
Stars, should have a point” (loose translation, again),
he said and the jury agreed.
The jury though, could not see the logic in driving nails and
screws into other “laboratory rats” but gave him the
benefit of the doubt, and a round of applause.
This is not a well-known fact since Hercule Phallus’s
experimental records were purged, but he was also commissioned
to do something about the rather soft taste of James Bond’s
drink, and transformed it into an exceptionally stiff Martini.
Hercule was a far-seeing man with a vision (a
side-effect of having eyes) and could see the day when he would
own a pharmaceutical company (because he would need it). He went
on to marry a soft-spoken girl from Hard Rock, Nevada by the name
of “Running Nose” (native Indian). Though one of his
marriage vows stated that he would never, ever, experiment on
anyone close to him, Running Nose changed her name to “Nasal
Trail” and developed a curious but coarse accent.
Hercule Phallus, eventually died of hardened arteries and is missed
by his children Tough Stuff, Tungsten Trollop, Diamond Deirdre,
Rigid Ricky, Hardened Henry, and his adopted child, Malleable
Mary. Nasal Trail resumed her fluid properties with respect to
her nose and her larynx.
We all owe this legend. For without his genius,
the Statue of Liberty would not be as high, and couldn’t
possibly keep a torch, up. The Eiffel Tower would have bent to
the North and became an Arch of some sort.
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