The Psychology of Impotence
by Chris Morrow
Looking at the psychology of impotence is a little
like taking a trip down the Amazon during the wet season. It's
a subject fraught with hidden currents, treacherous shallows and
wide meanderings.
There is no doubt that Viagra, the little blue
pill that revolutionized the treatment of impotence has had a
profound effect on men who have erectile dysfunction. But simply
finding a "quick fix" for impotence doesn't overcome
other problems that may have been there before treatment began.
Overcoming impotence often gives men unrealistic
expectations about their ability to immediately cure their emotional
problems as well as their physical ones.
The Psychology of Impotence
Sadly it seems that for a large number of men,
their ability to get an erection and have sex is viewed as an
integral part of their masculinity and potency. So it's no wonder
that the onset of impotence, even when triggered by an underlying
physical condition, can produce psychological problems that further
impact on the impotence.
Performance anxiety is a very real issue for
most men at one time or another. The fear of not being able to
perform adequately, dissatisfaction with penis size, and self-consciousness
about body appearance can all lead to the very thing that most
men wish to avoid - failure to get an erection.
So, when this anxiety is coupled with the knowledge
there may have been an occasional episode of impotence in the
past, or when erectile dysfunction has been in existence for a
period of time, this anxiety is multiplied. From a strictly physiological
viewpoint, anxiety can effectively prevent a man from becoming
aroused and getting and maintaining an erection.
And performance anxiety isn't the only issue
men have to contend with. The highest risk category for the onset
of impotence is the so-called "baby-boomers" - men born
in the period from 1946 to 1964. Most of these men are in their
peak performance years in terms of their job, status, family and
financial success. And all these factors lead to an increase in
stress levels and anxiety - one more reason for impotence to occur.
Taking a pill may temporarily overcome the impotence,
but relieving the self-doubt and mental stress, which may have
been brooding for any number of years, is harder to alleviate.
The ability to regain quality of life by restoring sexual function
is viewed by some men as a near miracle and by others with fear
and trepidation.
It's important to honestly assess how you feel
now and compare it to how you felt before the impotence treatment
began. Easier said than done, but unless the negative feelings
tied to the impotence can be viewed objectively, it's akin to
the stories people who have gained a great deal of weight often
say "I feel like a thin person trapped in a fat person's
body". For men it's "I feel like an impotent man trapped
in a body that now has full sexual function."
The psychology of impotence is about viewing
your new life - with sexual function - as a new beginning, complete
with all the new emotions that may be experienced. There's no
point in trying to "recapture" your life the way it
was prior to impotence, regardless of whether that was only months
ago or many years ago. Time moves on, and trying to live out life
the way it used to be is a sure-fire bet for failure.
The Psychology of Impotence in a Relationship
Finding an effective treatment to restore erectile
function is not a guarantee that you will find an effective treatment
for a relationship in need of psychological, physical or emotional
repair. And in most situations it's not a "cure" for
intimacy, romance or monogamy.
The restoration of erectile function can quickly
and unexpectedly alter the dynamics of a relationship, particularly
when impotence has been a long-term problem. A profound, and often
immediate, change in male sexual function is no small matter,
and cannot be dealt with in the time it takes to swallow a little
pill.
We live in an age of "quick fixes",
and while it's true that impotence medications can quickly help
overcome physiological problems, it's the couple who must resolve
their relationship issues. And that takes dedication, effort -
and time.
The renewal of sexual function is viewed by a
number of men as being given a "second chance". They
don't take their restored function for granted and are usually
willing and eager to explore their feelings and their relationship
with renewed hope and vigor.
Sadly, that's not always the case. Many men who
have dealt with impotence for a long period of time find that
being able to resume intercourse is not the solution for a disintegrating
relationship. New and unfamiliar pressures can be exerted on both
partners and it's often a time when a couple need to seriously
evaluate the health of their relationship.
Evaluating your relationship and your sex life
in an honest and candid way can have an impact on both of you.
THE MEANING OF SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
It's no secret that men and women react differently
to sex - before, during and afterwards.
As part of the solid foundation between two people,
it can bring intimacy, joy and trust to each partner. However,
as the sole pillar in a faltering relationship, it can be the
weak link. In between these two standards is an entire universe
of emotions and experiences that are unique to each couple.
Think about your feelings regarding your
relationship:
How happy are you with your partner?
How satisfied are you with your sex life?
How satisfied is your partner with your sex
life?
Is your relationship based on friendship, mutual
understanding and trust, family commitments, or sex?
How well do you both communicate your feelings
about all aspects of your relationship?
Remember that a mutually satisfying sex life
is an integral part of a healthy relationship. When the physical
aspects of your relationship are on track, you create an experience
that is greater than the two of you, and one that adds to your
overall mental and physical contentment.
IDENTIFYING SEXUAL PROBLEMS AND ANXIETIES
Close examination of your sexual partnership
with a view to solving any problems that exist is an extremely
delicate matter. Being able to openly and candidly express the
things that make you uncomfortable, cause embarrassment, or deny
you pleasure requires a great deal of tact and diplomacy. Communicating
your desires, the things that bring you pleasure and what it takes
to bring you sexual fulfillment can be equally embarrassing to
express.
Good communication is the key to a happy and
healthy sexual relationship. Being able to speak frankly about
what makes you happy and what doesn't requires courage and empathy
- the ability to say how you feel and what you want without upsetting
your partner or causing them to go on the defensive.
In many cases, couples who have experienced communication
problems often seek the help of a mediator or sex therapist to
help them clearly and objectively state their case. Having a third
party present in such situations can help diffuse tension and
ease any difficulties partners may have communicating their feelings
to each other.
Some of the situations where sexual problems
can arise include:
When one partner desires sex more frequently
than the other.
When there is dissatisfaction or a lack of pleasure
in your sex life.
When one partner feels they give more than they
receive.
When there is guilt, fear or anxiety about sexual
activity.
When your preferred sexual activities are at
odds with each other.
The psychology of impotence is about sometimes
stepping into uncharted waters. It requires confidence and the
experience that comes with learning, understanding and embracing
your own sexual desires and those of your partner.
We're not all mind readers, so communicating
openly and honestly, and defining what satisfies you sexually
is the first step. Listening to your partner in an equally honest
and open manner is just as important. Empathy, patience, perseverance
and compromise are the markers of a highly successful sexual relationship.
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